Last updated: Dec 05, 2019
You woke up in the middle of the night—drenched in sweat.
Your breath out of control, hands shaking, and your heart pounding so loud it could explode into pieces anytime.
You’ve just had a nightmare:
You two were lying in bed, all cosy and warm. Her breath was tingling the skin on your shoulders. Her giggles were tinkering bells in your ears. And her curves on your chest were driving you crazy.
You noticed a dark figure in the corner of the room.
What is it?
Oh, god, it looks like a monster!
The dark and scary-looking figure moved forward—she looked at it and screamed—the monster threw you aside, grabbed her hand, and dragged her to the window. BANG! The window glass broke into pieces, and the dark figure disappeared flying in the sky along with her.
And you lost her… the love of your life—the girl who was everything for you.
But that was just a dream, right? Unreal.
Not exactly. You see, even “unreal” things are significant when you’re in love—they do mean something:
What if this dream was trying to tell you something? What if that monster was your own creation? What if the beast, who just snatched away your beloved, had something to do with you?
You see, the fear of losing your love was there from day one. You pretended not to notice it—in fact, you ignored it on purpose because you didn’t want to ruin the romantic moments you’re having. And now, the fear has raised its ugly head.
Is this fear of losing someone you love is insignificant? Could this fear be just in your imagination? Or can it have a real impact on you and your life?
Well, the truth is: the fear of losing your love can not only make you toss and turn at nights in your bed, but it can also affect your health. So, the question is: Why the hell are you afraid of losing her?
What’s the Reason Behind this Fear?
It might sound weird, but I am going to say it anyway:
You are afraid of losing your love because you feel unworthy (of love).
And guess what, it has to do everything with you, your childhood, to be precise. When you were a little kid, you noticed that your parents, teachers, relatives—everybody approved of you when you:
- Scored distinction in board exams.
- Earned trophy in the school dance competition.
- Did what you were told to do.
And so, you started believing that to receive love, you must be successful because nobody likes losers.
But here’s the thing…
Success Means Different Thing to Different People
You can think that a particular career is best for you, while your parents can consider your choice as the world’s craziest, dumbest, most nonsensical thing.
Let’s just say you wanted to study Paleontology, but your parents didn’t approve of it. To them, wandering in woods infested with cannibals to uncover pre-historic life form was plain stupid. They instead wanted you to become an engineer.
You argued, protested, even stopped eating food. Hell, you even threatened them with suicide.
Ultimately, you had to surrender. Now, who surrenders? A loser, right?
So, you lost faith in yourself; you started doubting if you’re worthy of anything in life. And that doubt, my dear, turned into self-hatred.
‘I am a loser. How can I be worthy of love?’
And then something strange happened: you found a girl who fell in love with you. She wrapped her arms around you, looked into your eyes and said, “I love you.” And you smiled. But at the back of your mind was, “It can’t possibly be true” because you believe you’re unloveable. So, doubt and self-hatred didn’t let you believe in her love. You suspected that she’s just playing with your emotions.
‘It must be just a coincidence.’ You thought to yourself. And this unconscious belief of losing your love gave birth to fear. So, is there no way out? Can nothing be done about this fear?
Here’s what to do:
#Acknowledge the Fear
Ever noticed how little children—who otherwise remain calm—start making noise or get adamant about showing their art file to the guest when they see the parents not paying attention to them?
The mother and father are busy talking with the guest. He’s the competitor now. The children feel left out, and so, they start craving acknowledgement.
That’s why the fear of losing your love is giving you nightmares. You’ve been busy paying attention to other things and have never acknowledged it. In fact, you’ve denied its very presence. But, this fear will keep on eating up your energy unless it gets what it wants—acknowledgement.
Let’s acknowledge it.
Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths. Relax.
Now, address the fear with respect.
You can say something like this, ‘I know I have refused to accept that I was afraid of losing my girlfriend, but now I’ve realised it was a mistake. So, I acknowledge you’re there. I admit that I am scared.’
The moment you address the fear instead of running away from it, it starts melting away.
#Release the Fear
Acknowledging was the first step. The second step is not to hold on to the fear, release it instead.
Get a pen and paper and sit in a quiet place where you can sit undisturbed for the next 30-40 minutes. Now start describing the fear in detail. Here are some questions to help you:
- How are you feeling about your love life at this moment?
- What do you fear may happen if you lost her?
- What makes you think it’s going to happen?
Write everything down; even the things you feel are irrelevant. Don’t stop. Go with the flow—let the fear play in all its darkness, let it dance on the paper. When you have nothing more left, take a good look at the paper. Then, using the pen, mark a cross across it, tear it into pieces, and say, “I release you.” And throw the bits in the dustbin.
Repeat this process until you feel completely free.
#Share the Fear
They are magical.
When shared, happy emotions multiply, and sad ones cut into halves.
Want to lighten the burden of the fear you have about losing your love?
With a family member, friend, classmate, or anybody else you trust.
If that’s not possible, then share it with a tree. Yes, I said, “tree.”
You see, nature is the most powerful healer in the world. And the best part? It listens without judging. A tree will listen to you without interrupting or offering “advice.” And that’s what you need—somebody who’d listen to your story, right?
Here’s how to do it:
Go to a park, countryside, or woods and choose a tree that feels right. Don’t worry; you’ll know when you see it.
Sit under the tree. Take some deep breaths and start unwinding. Take your time. Feel its energy. Speak when ready. Pour your heart out. Let your fear express itself. Empty yourself. And the best way to do it is to ask questions:
- Do you feel powerless because of negative self-talk? Would you like to learn how to develop a positive mindset?
- Do you want to improve your employability skills to get your dream job?
- Are you worried she might get married to someone else since you haven’t gotten a job yet?
Sound silly? I know. Do it anyway.
Speak whatever you wanted to. The tree is not going to laugh at you. It’ll listen to you with love. And once you’ve expressed your true feelings, you’ll feel relaxed, as if a burden is lifted off of your shoulders. Expressing yourself will help you see the situation from a new perspective. Also, you might get some guidance from the tree spirit. If you receive insight, trust, and act upon it, no matter how weird it may seem.
But you still have to do it.
Love yourself. It’s the most crucial step to raise your self-worth.
Remember that the world treats you the way you treat yourself. If you love yourself, you’re bound to attract love. And as one of my heroes Acharya Shree Rajneesh (Osho) says:
If you cannot even love yourself, who else is going to take the trouble?
When you love yourself, your self-faith gets stronger, which makes you feel worthy of love.
Here’s a simple exercise (do this first thing in the morning and before going to bed):
Stand in front of a mirror. Look into your eyes and say to yourself, “I love you” seven times. And say it as you mean it. Do this continuously for twenty-one days, and you’ll soon notice a massive shift in your thinking. You’ll start feeling more kind and loving towards yourself.
I cannot say that you shouldn’t be afraid of losing your love because there can be no guarantees. Shit happens, all the time:
- Yes, your girl might break up with you.
- She might get married to somebody else.
- Something shitty may happen.
Anything can happen.
And if somebody guarantees he could give you a magic trick to keep your beloved forever, know that that person is either naive or a fraud.
You cannot control life—it’s unpredictable. It’s almost impossible to say what’s going to happen tomorrow. Nobody knows.
If you want to live joyfully, you need to trust life. Life always takes you in the right direction if you let it.
Here is a simple technique to deepen your trust:
Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Close your eyes. Take three deep breaths and start relaxing. Now, accept your life as it is—at this very moment.
Stop fighting. Surrender. Let go.
Stay with this feeling for 10-15 minutes. Find some time regularly for this exercise, and you shall soon notice positive changes in your personality.
Realise that there’s very little you can do to stop your girlfriend leaving you, but you can surely stop living in fear. So, enjoy the beautiful romantic moments with her while you still can.
Because there’s no tomorrow.