I know why you want to end your life.
I get it.
You don’t have a job, nobody loves you, and your future looks like a haunted forest with no exit in sight.
Your life sucks!
And so, suicide seems the only viable option. It’d set you free, right?
The sting of unemployment piercing deep in your chest, the void of a loving partner sucking you inside a black hole, the hopelessness taking over your mind—everything will stop. The dust will settle down once and for all. No more hungry stomach. No more teary eyes. No more dying inch by inch. Farewell, cruel world.
Pretty neat, huh?
What if you’re wrong? What if suicide is not the answer? What if killing your body does not kill you?
It will if you stay with me until the end of this article. Ready? Let’s begin.
My Life Was a Total Mess
It was 1995.
My family was living in our native village. And I was living in Delhi—all by myself—doing a computer course. Since my father had little money, things were really hard for me. After paying for the course fee, stationery, and other basic things, all I used to have were some coins.
The computer institute was 4 kilometres from my place, and since I couldn’t afford bus tickets, I had to get a fake id card of a B grade college. That way, I could pretend that I was a college student. Some bus conductors used to let me travel without a ticket while some others didn’t. The days I had to buy a ticket were like a nightmare—spending money on a ticket meant sleeping hungry that night.
I Decided to “End It All”
The hunger, the stress, the misery were killing me day by day. I couldn’t take it anymore and decided to put a full stop to my suffering: I tried to kill myself, but could not succeed.
Life stopped making sense. I kept dragging myself like a zombie in a post-apocalyptic movie.
A Book Saved My Life
Osho says in the book, ‘You’re not your body, you’re not your thoughts, you’re not your emotions, you’re beyond that—you’re the soul.’ He explains further, ‘One could manage to come out of his body and see it from the outside, just like others see it.’
I got hooked.
‘How could that be? Is there really a “soul” inside me? Or is it just some esoteric non-sense? Hmm…let’s give it a try; I have nothing to lose, anyway’.
My institute had declared a break of 2 months, and I had nowhere to go, so I began Level One:
I started living with full awareness.
By and by, strange things started happening—I was able to watch my body from the inside—I could see that my body was eating food, and I was watching it eating. I could see that my body was taking a bath, and I was watching it from the inside. I could see that my body was walking and I was the watcher—every damn thing was happening to my body, not to me.
Then came Level Two:
Rajneesh says, ‘You’re an energy form with no physical body. Energy can be expanded or contracted with just a hint of intent. For this experiment, you need to contract the energy (yourself) and come to your navel’.
I was sure I wouldn’t be disturbed in the middle of the experiment because I had not made any friends in the vicinity. I used to say hello to just a couple of people, and that’s it. Being damn sure about my privacy, I started practising Level Two every afternoon.
Living conditions in the area were improving with time—now there was electricity available for about 16 to 18 hours a day. I had somehow managed to buy a medium-sized cooler.
The Day I Realised I Was Not My Body
It was a hot afternoon (I don’t remember the date).
I started the experiment as usual. It seems I was a little tired that day because I slipped into sleep after a while. And all that happened while I was rooted in the experiment.
I cannot say “when I woke up,” instead “when I got conscious”—I could not open my eyes because I had lost control. I could see my body from the inside—it was dark, and stretched for miles—like it was dead, except that it wasn’t. I could feel my body breathing, along with my heartbeat. The sounds coming from the outside were audible, and I could even feel the humidity in the room, but couldn’t control my body.
Where Was I?
I was inside the body, with no shape.
All I can say is that I was like a dense-fog-like-entity—insanely bright navy blue-ish in colour. I was roaming from one end to the other inside my body. It was an out of the world experience. And also, horrifying.
I had started the experiment expecting that something might happen. But I wasn’t expecting that “something” to happen so soon.
So there I was—roaming inside my own body like a boat with no anchor—with no name, no shape, and no control. I was scared to death and desperate to gain control over my body.
I Gained Control of My Body, One More Time
And then it occurred to me:
‘If “contracting” could separate me from my body, “expanding” should make me one with my body again, right’? I thought.
So, I tried expanding—into my legs, into my hands, into my head, and within 5–10 seconds, I was again “in” my body.
Finally, I could control my body again. I was drenched in sweat, my breathing out of control.
I was shit-scared but elated at the same time: I saw myself separate from the body—something most people only hear or read in scriptures. At most, they “believe” it, but never get to experience it.
I just did.
That day I realised the meaning of the shlok from ShrimadBhagwad Geeta, where Lord Krishna says, “नैनं छिन्दन्ति शस्त्राणि नैनं दहति पावकः । न चैनं क्लेदयन्त्यापो न शोषयति मारुतः ॥.”
‘The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon, nor burned by fire, nor moistened by water, nor withered by the wind.’
But I regret one thing:
Osho explains even further, ‘Once you’ve reached the point where you can see yourself separate from your body from within, that’s the point you have to intend to come out of your physical body, and you’ll be out—still connected to it through a silver-cord. And when you want to go inside, intend, and you’ll be again inside the body.’
I’ll be honest with you. The possibility of seeing my body from the outside? It didn’t even occur to me at the time of the experiment because I was fucking scared to death.
Later I read that the price of jumping once out of the body was six months of my lifespan—doing so would’ve taken six months off of my life.
Your Body is Like a Motorbike
Osho explains there are seven chakras in the human body.
These chakras serve as contact points between you (the soul) and the body. If you decide to jump out of your body for even once, those seven contact points will never get aligned the way they used to be earlier.
The mechanism is just like a motorbike: it runs smoothly until the original seal of the engine doesn’t get opened. The initial alignment and refinement will be gone forever if you tamper with the original setting. Yes, everything will fit, but it will not perform the way it used to. You may start catching weird infections and some serious illnesses.
Osho says, ‘Every meditator must experience at least once that he is not the body. But the experiment should be done in the later years when you’re somewhat free of your family responsibilities’.
‘That way, even if something goes wrong, you won’t regret it. Because by that time, you shall be in the last phase of your life. And then, it won’t matter much to you if you lived six months lesser or six months longer. You would’ve realised that you’re not the body. You’re the soul, and the soul cannot die’.
I feel my fear was a blessing in disguise. It was in my best interest that I reached the navel but did not jump out of the body. I would have been in deep trouble if I did.
Do You Have a “Soul?”
Take my word. There’s no such thing as “your soul.” You are the soul—having a mind and body to function as a human being.
Can You Kill Yourself by Killing Your Body?
The answer in traditional terms is a “yes” because that’s how we all perceive life and death. The body dies; the person dies. That’s how you’ve been conditioned to think, right?
But the reality is: when one commits suicide, hoping to kill himself, he’s wrong. You can only destroy your body. But you cannot kill yourself. That’s impossible.
You’re not the part that dies.
People who commit suicide, hoping to set themselves free, are ignorant. One can surely kill the body, but then he’ll have to find another one. If he decides not to have one, he’ll have to wander in the world like a “ghost.” That’s what ghosts are—souls without bodies.
Will Committing Suicide Solve Your Problems?
Are you planning to end your life? I hate to break it to you, but you cannot kill yourself by killing your body.
And since you’re not the body, you shall remain.
You better pull yourself upright at this very moment and start finding ways to move past your current challenges.