I know why you want to end your life.
I get it.
You’ve got no hope left – you’re alone, you’re depressed – you have nothing to live for.
Your life sucks!
You think committing suicide would be the perfect cure – your pain and suffering, troubles and tears – everything will stop. There will be no more fears, failures, and heartaches. Everything will settle down, once and for all.
You think so?
Planning to End Your Life? Killing Yourself Is Not Easy
It was 1995.
My life was a complete mess.
My family was living in our native village. And I was living in Delhi – all by myself.
I was doing a computer course.
My father’s financial situation was quite weak, so things were hard. I used to get only 2000/- for managing my monthly expenses. Out of which I was supposed to pay 1325/- each month as my computer course fee.
In other words, I was supposed to survive on peanuts.
And I can tell you it was hard as hell. After paying the course fee, electricity bill, bus fare, and stationery, the only money I used to have were some coins.
There were times when I had to go hungry for 2-3 days straight.
I couldn’t tell my parents what I was going through because their financial troubles were terrible enough, and I didn’t want to add up to the pain. At times, I had to almost beg money from one of my relatives to go by for another week.
You must be wondering how come my parents were in such bad financial shape? Well, my parents, primarily my father used to believe that we were born as footboards by our extended family.
Selfishness was a sin for him, and so he always put himself last. That “adventure” of his had made our lives miserable.
My Life Sucked, Like BIG Time
My home, well, it would be unjustified to call it home. It was a temporary structure built in 1992 to hold the possession of the plot. The plot I was living on was in an unauthorised colony – which meant no water supply, no electricity, and no roads – literally nothing!
The room was in horrible shape – made out of bricks and mud with no cemented plaster on the walls. Since the surroundings were kind of backward and crappy, there used to be a lot of mosquitoes hiding in the gaps in the bricks.
Since there was no power supply, I had to sleep in a mosquito net.
I could barely have two meals a day. Fruits? Nuts? No, I was not in a position to afford such “luxuries.”
All I could afford was-3-4 Rotis with fried grams or some rice with Dal. I used to cover almost 3 kilometres every other day to fetch 10 litres of drinking water.
I had no vehicle to roam around. My computer course institute was 4 kilometres from my place.
Since I could not afford to buy bus tickets, I had to get a fake id card of a B grade college in West Delhi. That way I was able to pretend to the bus conductors that I was a college student. Some of them used to let me travel without a ticket while some others didn’t.
The days when I had to buy a ticket used to be nightmarish – spending money on bus ticket meant sleeping hungry that night.
Can you imagine – a teenager living in a remote area with no electricity, no drinking water, and sometimes no food to eat? Stress was all over me.
My self-esteem took a hit.
There was no way I could have imagined a future for myself. Darkness was all around me; I had no hope.
My biggest concern used to be – “How am I going to eat my next meal? Should I eat or should I save the money?”
I Gave Up on Life Because I Couldn’t Take it Anymore
I decided that I should end my life.
There was no light in sight at the other end of the tunnel.
The stress and humiliation were killing me bit by bit. I decided to put a full stop to my suffering. Ending my life was the only option left. I tried to kill myself, but could not succeed.
I had no courage or hope left in me. My mind had failed me, and I could not think of a viable solution to come out of the misery and suffering.
I was dragging myself and had no courage to make another attempt to kill myself. Life had stopped making sense, and I had turned into a zombie-appearing alive on the outside, dead from the inside.
The Turning Point
A particular meditation technique attracted me – it was meant to break the habit of being identified with the body.
Osho says in the book, “You’re not your body, you’re not your mind, you are beyond that – you’re the soul.” He explains further, “One could manage to come out of his body and see it from the outside just like others see it.”
It got me curious. How could that be? Is there something inside me that can be called “the soul?” Yes, I had heard about that from people. But was that true, or was that some eastern philosophical crap?
I could not figure that out by thinking. But I didn’t discard that as superstition. I said to myself, “Let’s give this meditation a try, what do I have to lose anyway?”
I Started Experimenting With the Meditation
My computer institute had declared a break of 2 months, and I had nowhere to go. I had all the time to myself. The experiment started.
I started being aware of myself while I ate, while I bathed, while I studied, or while I cleaned the courtyard.
By and by something strange started happening to me – I was able to watch my body from the inside – I could see that whatever was happening was happening to my body, not to me.
It was a completely unheard of and strange experience for me, and I was kind of enjoying it.
It was an adventure for me. And then I intensified my efforts to take the experiment to the next level. One more thing needed to be done-I was supposed to lie down in a comfortable position. Close my eyes and focus on breathing. Then I needed to imagine that my energy was contracting.
Rajneesh says in the book, “You’re an energy form with no physical body. Energy can be expanded or contracted with just a hint of intent. For this experiment, you need to contract the energy (yourself) and come to your navel.”
I was sure I wouldn’t be disturbed in the middle of the experiment because I had not made any friends in the vicinity. I used to say hello to barely one or two people, and that’s it. Being damn sure about my privacy, I started practising the technique every day in the afternoon.
Living conditions in the area were improving with time-now there was electricity available for about 16 to 18 hours.
It was summertime, and I had somehow managed to buy a medium-sized cooler. I had no stand to put the cooler on, so I had to keep it inside.
My practice used to start after lunch. The more practised, the better I got, and I started getting the knack of it.
The point was to contract the energy from all of the body parts and concentrate it at the navel. The navel was the door – the contact point between the physical world and the spirit world.
The Day I Realized I Was Not the Body
It was a sunny, hot afternoon (I don’t remember the date).
As usual, I started the experiment. It seems I was a little tired that day so I slipped into sleep after a while. And all that happened while I was rooted in the experiment.
And then, I cannot say “when I woke up”, but rather “when I became conscious”-I could not open my eyes because I had no control over them. My body was lying on the bed, like it was dead, except that it wasn’t.
I could feel my body breathing, along with my heartbeat. The sounds coming from the road outside were audible, and I could even feel the humidity in the room, but I could not control my body.
Where Was I?
I was inside the body, with no concrete shape.
At the most, I was some sort of dense-fog-like-entity-insanely bright navy blue-ish in colour. I was roaming from one end to the other inside my body. It was an out of the world experience, but was also horrifying like anything!
When I started the experiment, I had a little expectation that maybe something would happen. But I wasn’t expecting that “something” to happen on that particular day.
It was totally unexpected. And scary!
So there I was – roaming inside my own body like a boat with no anchor – with no name, no shape and no control over my body. I was scared to death and wanted control over my body back but had no clue how.
I Gained Control of My Body, One More Time
Then it appeared if “contracting” could separate me from my body, “expanding” could make me one with my body again.
So I tried expanding.
I tried to move into my legs, into my hands, into my head, and within 5 – 10 seconds I was again “in” my body.
Finally, I could control my body. I was drenched in sweat and was uneasy like anything, but at the same time, my heart was pounding with excitement and a sense of accomplishment.
I had just experienced the most significant wonder in the world. I had seen my body and myself separated.
Something that most people only hear or read in scriptures and they start believing that such a phenomenon exists.
It does not matter what you think – you may believe in god, you may have faith in Satan, you may fancy ghosts. But one thing is for sure – your believing signifies that you know nothing about God or Satan or ghosts.
You’re just trying to convince yourself of some theory, which may or may not exist.
That day I realised the meaning of the shlok from Geeta, where Krishna had said, “नैनं छिन्दन्ति शस्त्राणि नैनं दहति पावकः । न चैनं क्लेदयन्त्यापो न शोषयति मारुतः ॥.”
“The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon, nor burned by fire, nor moistened by water, nor withered by the wind.”
I had read that shlok before, but that was just information. I could have believed in that, but I wanted to experience it. And when I did, it became my truth.
No, You Don’t Have a Soul
And because of that experience, I am in a position to tell you that people who say “your soul” are clueless about the subject.
There’s no such thing as “your soul.” You are the soul – having a mind and body to live your life as a human being.
But yes, to this day, I regret one thing.
In the book, Osho explains even further, “Once you’ve reached the point where you can see yourself separate from your body from within, that’s the point you have to intend to come out of your physical body, and you’ll be out of your body. Still connected to it through a silver-cord. Then when you intend you want to go inside, you’ll be inside your body.”
I was too scared to take the plunge to jump out of my body.
Later I read in the same book that the price you pay for jumping out of your body for just once was six months. You shall live six months lesser than your original lifespan.
Osho explains that there are seven chakras in the human body.
These seven chakras serve as contact points for you and your body. If you decide to jump out of your body for even once, those seven contact points may never get aligned with the soul (you), the way they used to be before the experiment.
Your Body is Like a Motorbike
It runs smoothly until the original seal of the engine does not get opened.
The initial alignment and refinement will be missing once you tamper with the original setting. Yes, everything will fit, but it will not perform the way it used to.
It is the case with the human body. Once you jump out of the body for the sake of seeing it from the outside, the alignment with those seven “contact” points falls out of the place. It gets disturbed. You may start catching weird infections and some serious illnesses.
Osho says. “Every meditator needs to experience reality at least once that he is not the body. But the experiment should be done in the later years of one’s life. When you’re somewhat free of your family responsibilities.”
“That way even if something goes wrong you won’t regret it. Because by that time you shall be in the last phase of your life. And then, it won’t matter much to you if you live six months lesser or 6 months more. The duration of your life would lose its importance. You would have realised the fact that you’re not your body. You’re the soul, and the soul cannot die.”
So I feel my fear was a blessing in disguise. It was in my best interest that I reached the navel but did not jump out of the body. I would have been in deep trouble had I been taken the plunge.
Can You Finish Your Life by Killing Your Body?
The answer in traditional terms is a “yes” because that’s how we all perceive life and death. The body dies, the person dies. That’s how you’ve been conditioned to think.
The reality is when one commits suicide thinking he’ll be able to kill himself; he’s wrong. You can only destroy your body. But you cannot kill yourself. That’s impossible. You’re not the part that dies.
People who commit suicide hoping to set themselves free are ignorant. One can surely kill the body, but then he’ll have to find another one. If he decides not to have one, he’ll have to wander in the world like a “ghost.” That’s what ghosts are – souls with nobodies.
Will Committing Suicide Solve Your Problems?
Is putting yourself to death on your mind? Beware, it will only kill your body. You cannot destroy yourself. That’s not an option.
The problem is that you’re not the mortal part – you cannot die.
You better pull yourself upright at this very moment and start finding ways to move past your current challenges.
Personal development is your only hope.